Accent Aigu (axe-saunth..ey-kyun?)

IIMB so powerfully operated on all our senses that it was bound to produce a good number of blog posts. The only thing post-IIMB that's done so for me is <insert drum roll - plus a small reference to this function I went to in AVM Rajeshwari Kalyana Mandapam> -- America! What better way to come back from a hiatus than making fun of our own kith and kin - Indians (of 'All Indians are my brothers and sisters' fame)?

I was mildly horrified to note that VMM did not teach The mister ('The missus' sounds so much better than this no?) to stop rolling his r's like a motor. I was more than mildly surprised to find that it was his overcompensating reaction to living in the US. I find it much more satisfying though to say that VMM just sucks at English. Anyway.

The Indian American/Indian living in America for a long time/Indian who just set foot in an American airport in transit is a strange animal. If you examine the language centres in the brain of this animal, two things will become swiftly certain. One, that I know absolutely nothing about them whatsoever, and am prosing on about them 'cos it is just so much fun. Two, that there is a hidden cassette/CD/mp3 player (in tune with technology) that has the recorded sound of the American Rrrrr. While in India, this player is silenced, straining at the seams. It occasionally escapes its leash when the Indian talks to or even about a person in the US, is Kamal Hassan or is a TamBram uncle above the age of 50, when the player finds satisfaction in transforming harmless words such as 'hours' into 'avaRrrrrs'. However, the leash is lovingly loosened when the person crosses the Atlantic. The surrealism of it all comes to the fore when a person says 'Did you have a nice jouRrrrney? Edhaavadhu shaapadrela?'. The mind boggles.

And the children of the animals are.. just wow. Listening to them sing 'VaRrrrra veena mridduphaani' is like seeing globalization personified. Or like seeing a Beyonce from Bilekahalli.

So, the next time you hear a clicking sound on a flight to the US, you'll know it's the sound of leashes releasing. I got a fancy leash that sounds like a whistle while releasing. Listen for it.

Self-Visualisation

Oberoi mall, Goregaon, July 21^st

Storekeepers of 3 well-known Madura brand stores – Louis Philippe, Raymonds and Van Heusen were stunned by the strange phenomenon of the appearance of a well-dressed, good-looking 20 something girl materializing in front of their stores between 4 pm and 5 pm for two consecutive days. This vision prowled back and forth outside the outlets, assaulted any customers who walked out of the stores with pen and paper in hand, all the while with a haughty expression on her face and a look that could throw daggers at anyone who tried to divine her purpose. After some internal clock went off at 5 pm though, she promptly dived into one of the very same stores that she had kept watch over. Mall authorities are now trying to ascertain the identity of this mystery visitor.

On a related but different note, Louis Philippe, Raymonds and Van Heusen outlets in this mall are now frantically searching for a cure for the guards manning the door, all of whom went into a trance after this visitor scorched the floors outside the stores. The last heard words from these guards were ‘Death glare’ (albeit in Hindi)!

The long awaited - Trials and tribulations of travelling with Ms.R

Oh yes, I know, you have been waiting to hear the trippy tales of our travels (yes, i alliterated as promised), but it takes time don't you know? To let life settle back down after that kind of journey, like so many others, that leaves you marked (no, I cleverly avoided saying scarred) for life.

Beginnings are always so mundane no? Let's go somewhere they said - a short trip with friends. Sounded like something out of one of those chick flicks that Schnappi seemed to swear by filled with happy people with romance just around the corner. But ofcourse, I didn't take into account (account, Bcom, get it get it? <smirk>) travelling with Ms.R (for rudolph)

Unlike her much loved heyer herorines (alliterate again!), this was no intrepid girl seeking her man and fortune on otherworldly shores. No, more like an austen woman, curving her ever-so-present nose at everything to do with "those people".

Right at airport I knew this wasn't going to go well. Ms.R seemed fascinated by the innocently-doing-his-job man at the counter. Why you ask? because he had a turban! and <hold your breath> a PEN! how strangely exciting. Now to save myself from being embarrassed by her gawking, I simulated the other passengers by looking mildly curious at this specimen and adding a calculated 6 yards of space between us, all the while wondering how we were going to tackle DELHI – a city full of such turbaned locals.

Sigh. I needn’t have wondered. But for those of you who are still wondering, behavior exhibited by the specimen included, but was not limited to, the following -
1. Several bouts of causality defying giggling
2. References to the glories of the south on a five second loop
3. Obsessive compulsive behavior of putting things in and taking things out of her purse
4. Threats to jump off buildings (I’ve forgotten why this happened, but that only makes it so much worse)
5. Fascination with baggage screening, old men, forearms of old men, and other such unlikely and unsuspecting targets
6. Tendency to use phrases like ‘City bumpkin’ (now that I think about it, this explain point1)
7. Displaying a mostly wrong sense of flattery  (‘I’m being NICE to you no? That is only flattering’)
8. Ritualistic performances when food arrives.
9. Refer 1.


Yeah. Fun trip.

The Mystery of the Missing Sheets

The person abetting a crime, they say, is as much in the wrong as the one who does it. Rudolph had nothing to do with the accidental stain on Onion's sheets. That was all Schnappi. She also had almost nothing to do with the not so cleverly managed smuggling of the sheets out of the EB block. If she seemed at that time to agree to Schnappi's plot to avoid some uncomfortable questions, and even to keep a lookout for Onion's arrival, she now says it was all just Schnappi fashioning out nods and affirmative gestures from the mirth that was consuming her all the while. The only thing she did wrong was to laugh uncontrollably when Onion stood stunned in their room seconds after their entry. When Rudolph suddenly doubted whether this was due to the sight afforded by the sad-looking, green and yellowed mattress, Onion put matters to rest by loudly (as is usual) exclaiming, 'But where did my sheets go?'.
The reappearance of the sheets, all washed and pressed and lying innocently on top of a heap of stuff in Onion's cupboard creeped her out quite a bit. She threw the blame immediately on Rudolph, who for once in her life told her internal laughter mechanism to stuff it, and affected a wonderfully hurt expression. That perhaps didn't fool Onion much, but for that moment threw her off the trail.
Over the next 18 months, Onion developed the startling habit of filling out silences with 'I still wonder what happened with my sheets...', much to the consternation of Rudolph and Schnappi. While it is too much to expect Onion to have mastered so subtle a trick as 'Startle your suspects into confession', she did certainly fluster the partners in crime to an extent. Quite surprisingly, Armani and Ver(non)sace hit upon the truth easily enough, introducing twists into a flat plot. However, with the abundance of senseless fun to be found at Bee, Onion never pondered the mystery for too long, and Rudolph and Schnappi were only too happy to let it be.
At the end of their stay at Bee however, Rudolph and Schnappi told Onion the whole, so that some part at least of Onion's conviction of the presence of creeps in her life could be done away with. Rudolph now realises however, that it might have been more fun to throw in some Nancy Drew-esque flavour, such as pushing Onion to make a 'list of suspects', or sending her a note saying 'If you keep at trying to find your sheet-stealer, it could soon be the last time you say Mummy mummy modern bread'. But they all soon discovered Schnappi's love of Schnappi, and the fun was had nevertheless.

Quid nunc

Inactivity on this blog remains to be explained. The lives of these BeeCee inhabitants are either deadly dull, or so full of activity that there is no time to record the happenings here. Take your pick.

It’s less than a week to the big showdown, affectionately known as Finals down here. And the inhabitants of Bee Cee, much like those of the larger Bee (NOT the ones in Kay, mind) are taking it in their own stride, varying lengths though those are. For instance, Onion, who happens to have the longest stride, has decided to apply it to go all the way to Chennai and watch on a big screen women getting hacked in autos. Perhaps to reinforce the fact that there are bigger horrors than writing about one’s strengths and weaknesses and how one brought about customer delight.

Mary, with her admittedly smaller stride, opted to take refuge in her second home in the second Bee. Pinky, on the other hand, decided to take the spiritual route and go all the way to Shirdi and pray for the much needed revival of the BeeCee souls that are abused and manipulated and under continuous reincarnation, taking a new form for every (interview) form.

Cut to Bee where the real action is.

Rudolph has been changing in and out of business casuals (?!? is that PPT Formals or Business Formals?) and baby blue bathrobes, caught between five star dinners that lead to diarrhoea (albeit of the verbal kind), and regular meetings to have her case taken.

Monapoly and Jill take it in turns to hyperventilate and play cool cucumber. Their biggest source of worry is about not making it to that land of dreams, the ultimate company with its Ambassador of an ambassador, a PPT Man whose charisma knew no bounds – Tally Solutions. At long last, they decided they could no longer bear the agony of suspense, and decided to end it all by simply not appearing for the test, thus making their applications null and void.

Lilitalix copes with this scenario as she would with any other – by visiting new food haunts and old, from Papa John’s to Corner House. Where she remains indecisive, her faithful Dell takes matters into his hands - by refusing to wake up in time, and causing her to walk out of a test (and once again recovering just before she wrote him off for good).

Nappi simply sleeps it off, waking up in time for snacks, a few tests, a few clicks on the most visited website at Bee this season. And this blog, of course. 

The Cast

Introducing the cartoons characters that feature in BeeCee Comics - 

Onion – Originally the Anniyan, her title morphed into a homonym, taking into consideration her springy tresses, a Tam-challenged nature, high-maintenance-ness, and her breath. Ok, no, that last bit was a joke, of course. But mess with her, and she will make you cry. 

Average Jill – The flighty version of unassuming modesty, she is the revolutionary who realized Mayawati is the ideological equivalent of Medha Patkar. Has come far from the days of tumbling after Jack; she now merely guffaws at the sight of Jack and his/(her?) likes.

Monapoly – Jack of all trades, Monapoly of tragedies. Is affectionately also called the Monaing Myrtle by Jill.

Pinky – She is pink, therefore she is. Is in the habit of waving a Hi with one hand, and her pinky with the other. Her partner, Brain, is in the profession of managing her conditioner-renting-service and doubles up as resident pest-remover.

Mary – Is the local.. local. Together with Onion, she completes the Unscheduled Tribes quota at Bee. With Joseph abroad, the small population of Bee Jesus(es) has been explained by divine intervention.

Lilitalix– Is the sole voice of sanity in Cee. Lover of lilies, Tally, Italy, Little Italy and all things related.

Rudolph –  Noses are red,

      bathrobes are blue,

      here is one cat that

      some rats want to woo.

Nappi – She loves Schnappi, naps and this blog.

The Routine

She walks to her favourite place in the whole campus. Her friends have even set up a nice little tent for her there. She casts a fond glance at it, at the happy pink sheets she draped the tent with the week before, but walks on purposefully towards her partner-in-crime. Reunions with 'The Hangout' can wait till after work.

The hulking, slightly old contraption gives a final heave before the monstrous noise dies down, and she hears the machine emanate the three beeps that signal the start of the next step in the process. That's the fun part - with the sun to give her company, a cool breeze ruffling her hair, and the other residents of the block to provide her with some inanely immature gimmicks for entertainment. But, she is getting ahead of herself.

Getting the contents out is up next, and with Schnappi not in the prime of life anymore, rotating just when he has to stay still, it certainly is the trickiest bit. With much cajoling and more than a little scolding, she manages to get them all out. 'It is an art' she concludes, standing tall and looking down at the filled bucket. 'An art that only I have been able to conquer!' She looks out at her friends, chatting and laughing, all the while beneath empty clothes lines. She throws her famed disdainful look at the unfortunate, washing-machine illiterates, and pats Schnappi on the lid. 'Good work', she says, to an apparently empty bathroom. But she takes it that Schnappi understands, for he is the only one whose existence she acknowledges. Him, and of late, another rather unfortunate soul, known to the others only as 'The Other Nair'.

She carries the bucket full of slightly soggy clothes (yet another by-product of poor Schnappi's twilight years), and stands in front of her clothes line, ready to do battle. The sun is streaming onto her face, she has all her cloth clips on the ready and the clothes line is already beginning to sag under the weight of her condescending stare. Ah, the simple joys of life.